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Realising my dream

So I'm back to blogging after so long! 
It's 2015 and I've graduated from JC, what's up next is getting my results and entering uni.
I'm not sure what to feel, but I do feel excited for uni, especially if I get to study the stuff that I love!

I've decided to restart this blog for a few reasons.
Firstly, I want to put some of my thoughts out there. Sometimes I feel like I have so many ideas in my head but no one to communicate it with. Yknow, so if there are people actually reading my posts... I just put my thoughts out here assuming people will read it. Anonymously. 
Secondly, this is like my online diary. Things that aren't too sensitive or too personal to me I guess I could put it out here just to record down things in my life that I wish to remember a few years down the road. I mean I could always come back and read my old posts!

And thus, you could say that I've started on a clean slate. I have removed hundreds of posts which I deemed were childish (trust me, they really were considering that I was only 12, 13 years old?).
I can say that I've grown a lot more mature now to type more sensible posts, to phrase my thoughts in a way that it wouldn't be insulting or offensive to anyone. So that it doesn't sound like I'm attacking people. I've realised that my posts were really crude in the past it could offend anyone. I'm so sorry if I did and I swear from now on I'll be more careful with what I type!!! 

So, a few days back, I went back for my alma mater's open house and talked to my GP tutor... You could say it was sorta like an interview, but on a personal level? She wanted to get to know me more so that she could write a reference for me for my dream university. In essence, I was just talking about myself, things I do in my free time, in my JC years and what I am interested in and why I want to go to that uni. 

Have you ever felt like you already know yourself, but when you talk to people about yourself you rediscover yourself even more? It's like subconsciously you already know what you are like, but when you try to put your behaviour into words you realise you can't find the words to describe yourself. And when you do, or someone else does, then you start to describe yourself as such, because you feel it is true. I don't know if this is what people constitute as letting people characterise you... But I don't think it sounds as bad as it is.

Like how people always say you are most like yourself when you are alone? I really disagree with that. I feel that you only find yourself when you are with others. You find out what you hate doing, what you dislike/like, and what kind of company brings out the best in you. Only through interaction with people do we distinguish ourselves from others. At least, in my opinion.

But anyway, sorry for digressing. Through our chat I did realise that I was a really lonely person (hahahahaha), which is one of the main reasons I want to enter that university, to find like minded friends. All my life I've always felt like I'm the weirdo, the only one that thinks this way and it's hard to find friends to talk to, about life, about theories and stuff. And also, I am limiting my own options, opportunities. Everyone tells me that an arts degree in Singapore will get me nowhere. Everyone tells me going to Yale will be a waste of time for I do not even choose a course in the first year. Everyone seems to be so skeptical. And although I do know where I want to go or where I want to be, I am still apprehensive. I guess I just needed affirmation from others, but I don't get that. And the worst thing I could do to myself is to doubt myself and my choices. Then, my tutor reassured me that there are many opportunities out there for arts degree, but I have to make them for myself. 

It's like how talent isn't always discovered. We are always hopeful that if we have talent then we will make it out there someday... But guess what? I was naive to think that the world works this way. It is true we have to network, make the right connections and the right moves, put ourselves out there to sell our talent. Talk about being shameless, but yes, being shameless is how we have to succeed. 

I guess I don't have a conclusion at the end of this post.
I just feel that I need to trust myself more. 
For now it's just a waiting game for me. I can have good teachers to write references for me, but yknow some things are still up to me.

PS: I didn't get into Yale. But I'm already over it, I'm in NUS and I'm still gonna be able to do what I want to do :)
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