Lament

Alas, I'm back to rant about my hazy thoughts again.

I feel that writing/typing my thoughts out helps me establish them better.

Sooo recently I've been feeling so aimless. Like literally.

In the past I've so many dreams and passions and I had so many careers in mind.

As if a flower that once bloomed, now it has all wilted away.

Let's establish a timeline.

1) Artist.

As a child, that was my very first dream. I was enrolled in Art classes and even though I could say that my drawings really sucked now that I look at them, I was always happy doing crafts and drawing random stuff. Colouring painting and drawing things around me, or things that never exists, fulfills me. I was also very interested in art classes in school. I always wanted to get an A. I remember the time when I was selected to go to the Art Museum and look at Picasso's and Van Gogh's art works. At that point in time I couldn't really appreciate them, considering how dense I was. But, viewing art pieces still made me happy. 

I remember I always drew. I drew a lot of things and I always insisted my mum paste my works on the wall. Because looking at them made me happy. Once, after hearing the news of 911, I drew it out. It was weird. I can still remember the drawing. It had a lot of bright colours, even though it was a solemn event. I couldn't draw the buildings well, and I hated dull buildings. I drew billboards onto the buildings, a billboard of a girl laughing. Ironically, on the same building, the plane crashed into it, at the peak of the building. Idk if it says much to you. It's funny how things like terrorists attacks don't matter much when we were younger. In my eyes then, it was just something I felt that I could draw. Instead of feeling remorse for the victims and anger towards the terrorists, in my innocence, something tragic became something that made me happy.

You know how as a child we would have the weirdest dreams ever? And everytime in class, our teachers would try to get us to set our goals in life, by asking us what's our ambition? And sometimes people would say funny stuff like how they wanna be Superman or Powerpuff Girl, or maybe something more sensible, like an Artist. People always laughed it off. Teachers would always have this kind smile on their face when they hear us yak about what we wanna do when we grow up. Some teachers would just laugh it off. You know, maybe it's because they knew that we would never want to be an artist when we grew up (considering the high costs of living and the menial profits). Maybe they knew, that sooner or later, reality would hit us in the face. Maybe they knew, that asking us what our ambitions were, were lame attempts in getting us to think about our future. They probably knew a lot of things. But, to not ruin our naivety, they don't say anything.

2) Fashion Designer

This was my second dream. You could say that this was a much more sensible dream than an Artist. I mean, it obviously is. Then, I was inspired by stereotypical TV shows. About how your outfit can change what people think of you and how you feel about yourself. At that point in time, fashion seems like such an influential thing to me. And I felt that fashion design was cool. I can draw as per normal, and people would wear what I draw! Isn't that great? Clothings are like living art pieces when worn by people.

Then again, reality had to hit me in the face. My mum told me that it is almost impossible for me to be one. It's not like my drawings were great. It's not like I really knew what was in the fashion industry. Maybe it was for my own good. The fashion industry really is cruel, by some measure. But they were dreams, shattered.

3) Pianist

Oh god I love love love playing the piano. I can safely say I was always good at it. Unlike now when I can hardly afford lessons, my skills are rusty. I am thankful for that particular piano teacher. She really taught me how to appreciate music, how to read every score as a storybook, how to emote through how we play. She also taught me how every piece of music can be translated with a different emotion that it originally conveys. Music, then, was like a whole new world to me. It felt great. Because music was always seen as something static, not living. It's as if she opened the doors to this other dimension. And I, want to show this other dimension to all my listeners. That's why I wanted to be a pianist. To inspire, to show others what they never knew. 

Reality settles in. I can't even afford lessons anymore. Maybe it's meant to be. Maybe I'm meant to do something else in life. Maybe the piano is just gonna be my emotion outlet and not something I can showcase to people. Maybe.

4) Doctor

Oh god. I swear this is only during the upper sec days. When I believed that Bio was the most interesting shit ever hahahahaha. And of course, I was also influenced by all the documentaries that I watch. To be more specific, I wanted to be a Pathologist, or Medical Epidemiologist. I was so so so interested in looking at viruses and pandemics. I wanted to go into the frontlines, study these viruses, put myself at risk of infection, and save the world. It was not until I finished my O levels that I realised how stupid my dream is. I know I will never be good enough to enter Medical school. And even if my mum wants me to be a doctor, I know she wouldn't like the idea that I would have to continue studying for like 12 years more before I actually start working. I know my family needs the money. We need more money. I have to work earlier so that my mum can rest earlier. 

Yup there goes my other dream. And of course, my results weren't that good. But all this was a blessing in disguise I guess. I'm not meant to be a doctor anyway. Even if I was born to save the world, it is probably not a patient at a time.

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This marks the end of my timeline. I had 4 serious ambitions (yes including my first.)

I'm not sure if you guys realised a pattern.

The similarity is that my dreams are all challenged by reality ( actually this is the same for everyone, that's why it's a dream.)

but as I grew older, I constantly think about the constraints and let them beat me.

I feel like I lack the drive to do anything in the world hahaha.

I feel that I lack the courage.

I always lack the courage.

I feel like I can't believe in anything.

I don't believe in anything.

Maybe I'm afraid to believe

I don't know.

I'm so frustrated at myself for not being able to put my best foot forward.

I'm always thinking about the problems before I even face them.

So much for being forward looking.

And then recently I've been thinking of what I'm good at. Because I don't wanna set anymore unrealistic goals for myself. I wanna do something that I'm good at and something that I would love doing. You know, like 'love your job and you'll never have to work a day.'?

Actually I realised there's really nothing much that I'm good at. 

Yup, life is as such.